Enduring pain or choosing comfort?

A differentiation of pain types and their use in personal growth

Pain seems to be one of life's unavoidable truths. 

I am talking about the kind of pain that doesn't pass easily, that is somehow entangled in the process of life change, or even just the kind that sits under the feeling of fear or grief. It can be physical or emotional, and it can be both simultaneously (speaking of body-mind connection!).

It’s a kind of pain that shows up as some sort of teacher but leaves it unclear what exactly we need to learn.

I personally have come into close contact with different kinds of this yet mysterious pain and have made it my life’s work to help others see through the confusion and learn to read the energy behind it so they can use it to move their lives forward.

Because, paradoxically, even though surely no one likes to be in it, and as vast as the spectrum of discomfort is, there’s no quick answer as to whether or not enduring pain is advisable.

In this post, I have combined my experiences as a Yoga teacher and Somatic Coach and distilled three scenarios in which pain can play a role, what we can learn from them, and how to differentiate between them.

Enjoy the read!

1. Enduring pain as a means of growth - Pushing through.

The first category is a classical representation of the much talked about growth mindset.

It is the world of athletes, Zen-Masters, and in general ambitious people with an inclination to self-improvement.

As much as it sounds counterintuitive, the ability to endure pain can be a straightforward way to overcome obstacles, move through certain life circumstances, and even grow on a physical level.

Examples of this could be training your body for muscle growth, learning a new language, or, the all-time favourite, losing weight.

All of the above have one thing in common: they are hard to achieve, and they have some sort of gain in them—be it getting physically stronger, being able to communicate in a foreign country, or feeling leaner, sexier, and finally fitting in that dress.

Subtler examples of pain endurance are meditation, Zen practices, and certain Ashram cultures in which a strict routine must be followed without fail, despite the discomfort that comes from long-held sitting positions, the monkey mind jumping around, or the desire to break out and be free again.

The struggle - Self-sabotage

When we enter situations of desired growth, the pain we are enduring is mostly mental. 

It’s a kind of resistance we feel when we attempt to change something within us that goes against the grain of what is comfortable and easy. We are changing a habit.

When we decide to go for it, we confront one of the most stubborn parts of our brain: the prefrontal cortex. It is designed to keep us safe, conserve our energy, and, in general, protect us from anything new and unknown.

It is the part of us that will do whatever it takes to keep us in our comfort zone.

It will come up with all kinds of reasons why you should stop training, maybe because you are a little tired, or maybe because you suddenly remember the importance of dusting off the bookshelves in your living room. 

It will freeze your tongue when you try to articulate the newly learned sentence in your language class, and might even immobilize your capacity to dig for the lost word. 

It might sabotage your attempt to meditate by fogging your mind and making you sleepy.

The brain is a master at playing little tricks on our Nervous System, making it seem like we are in danger when, in reality, we are just trying to grow.

The gift - Mental and physical strength

Once we identify our brain's tendency to sabotage our physical, mental, or personal growth, we can start to form a strategy for overcoming it. 

First of all, we must understand that we are dealing with a very strong, old mental structure that has been made for our survival.

Our brain, being a complexly built control center, will be quick to reject half-hearted endeavours and fancies for the prospect of a meaningless skill that takes hard work to achieve. 

The barrier of reverting back to old habits and quick fix releases can only be crossed by real determination, goals that you really believe in, and that you really, really want from your heart.

The methods you will need to bring online are strong routines, maybe adaptations to your environment (like removing distractions or putting your training tools in sight), and, above all, repetition, repetition, repetition.

The reward of enduring the pain that comes from this sort of narrow, harsh learning - of doing something you do not necessarily want to do at this moment - is discipline. 

A discipline that can be of great help should you get into situations where your environment is messy, uncontrollable, or even toxic.

Say you need to run up a steep hill with a broken toe to get out of reach of an angry farm dog. Or put together a financial report at the last minute before the deadline while your colleague is having a mental breakdown over her wedding planning on the other side of the desk.

Not reacting to distractions or discomfort in the presence of stress can be saving your life, your job, or at least your sanity in a messy world.

2. When not to ignore and not to endure the pain - Pushing against

All the above scenarios were examples where the source of the pain comes from the mind.

I am personally very excited to introduce this second category of pain, which lies somewhere on the threshold between “good” and “bad” (if we’d be so bold as to label pain that way).

This one is more a metaphorical kind of pain. 

It is the one that we feel when we feel stuck in life. It’s the receipt we get when we stay in situations that don’t serve us well for longer than we should.

I admit that I’ve endured this pain for a good decade of my life. For me it looked like working a job that I didn’t love anymore, being in a relationship that wasn’t growing with me, and living in a city that has lost its sense of home.

It’s a dilemma almost everyone faces at some point in their lives, and I hear many versions of my above story from my Somatic Coaching clients.

The struggle - Overstaying

Somehow, humans seem to have a shared tendency to stay in unhealthy situations despite knowing that it doesn’t feel good. 

This is especially true when we live in societies that discourage breaks from the norm and make it seem like there’s only one proper way to live life.

Why are we enduring this pain?

As it turns out, just like our brain is programmed to keep us safe, our body also plays its part in preventing us from changing. Together, they form the aspect of our Nervous System that communicates with us in times of upheaval and uncertainty.

Our organism is a powerful learning machine. Whatever experience we go through, it gets stored in our brains and in our bodies. And when I say “experience”, I mean the ones that actually happen on a physical plane and the ones we imagine happening.

That’s right, our brain doesn’t actually know the difference between a car hitting you, or the thought of losing your job. Both will trigger a similar physiological response in your body that will activate your Sympathetic Nervous System into a state of overstimulation or freeze.

This, in turn, explains why we react so adversely to changes in our lives. 

Even though we might feel clearly that something is wrong, and even if we are confronted with this uncomfortable situation (say, a job you hate) every day, and even if we are feeling profoundly unhappy, we stay frozen on our spot and are unable to move towards the change we want.

It’s a cycle that keeps repeating itself and leaves us with the impression that we don’t really trust ourselves.

The gift - Direction

The silver lining here is that the pain you are enduring in these phases of stuck transitions is giving you the exact direction of where you have to go to get out of them.

Let me explain.

Wherever we feel fear, there’s a potential behind it.

I learned this quickly during my career transition phase. The idea of leaving my safe job that paid the bills for a dream of being self-employed as a yoga teacher freaked me out to the max.

I mean, what would be the consequences?

What if I left tomorrow and boarded a plane, and went to this retreat center in Bali to teach? What if I told everyone I’m off and won’t have to ever finish the boring task on my desk? And what if I could actually go, far far away, and work with people rather than with numbers?

Yeah, what if I just did that??

Do you see how fear and excitement can have a very similar energy?

Here is where we need to shift our perspective. The pain you feel when you overstay is the resistance you are given to push against.

It’s a bit like adding weight bars to your biceps training. The stronger the load, the more apparent it will be how to move your muscle to hold it.

When I work with clients in my Somatic Coaching sessions, we make use of the emotionally painful sensations to pinpoint exactly where to put our digging shovels. 

We use somatic focusing techniques, where we slow down, connect within, and then become disproportionally curious about those parts of you that speak up, block, stop, and tense when we talk about your big changes.

And then we push a little, and then we let it breathe. We allow whatever holds you back to come to word and onboard it for your journey.

Because you cannot walk forward when your legs are crossed.

The key to allowing the change you want is feeling out the direction and then gradually releasing the resistance to it. You need to learn how to endure the pain just long enough to understand where it is pointing you and then tend to it.

It is a game of push and release that draws on the capacity of our Nervous System to regulate itself and tolerate wider possibilities of being and living.

It’s a continuous process, and you might need some help.

If you find yourself in this description go ahead and book a free Intro call with me to see how I can support you in your change.

3. When discomfort is a sign to move - Surrender

If you’ve read this far in the article, let’s pause for a moment and take a big breath.

Talking about pain in all its iterations can be an activation for your Nervous System. Especially if you found yourself in any of the situations above, chances are your body might be bringing up some resonance to it.

Let’s breathe in slowly, and breathe out softly.

The last category of enduring pain I’d like to discuss should also be the least stressful: the discomfort we feel when our body and mind are actually on the same page.

These are the moments when we are fortunate enough to be in a safe, peaceful environment and find ourselves in a regulated state of our Nervous System. 

Examples of situations like these could be a Yin class, meditation, a Somatic Yoga session, or even just a day at the beach when you have nothing on your agenda. Head over here for a taste of a Somatic Yoga session.

It is those times when we feel connected to ourselves and have the capacity to listen to what our body has to tell us, and then react to any feelings of unease, an urge to move, or even a desire to say NO to something we don’t want. 

It is those moments of loving connection with our body that make real self-care accessible to us. 

They let us take a backseat from all the stress and effort we are otherwise experiencing and indulge in the simple ease and comfort of doing what we want, and how we want it.

It’s the kind of pain we do not need to endure, but read as a loving nudge to make a change so that we can be at peace.

The struggle -  Permission

Now, if this state of comfort is obviously so pleasant - why on earth are we not following those nudges and are comfortable all the time?

To answer this question, we need to delve a bit deeper into society and our relationship with what’s called the authority of the body.

When you hear the word authority, you might associate it with forms of control, suppression, and respect. 

Who do we see as authorities?

The government? Our parents? Our teachers?

Those roles are pretty mainstream, and usually accepted (or rebelled against). There is an unspoken understanding that orders from an authority have some sort of binding effect on you, and chances are high you follow them to avoid friction.

In turn, our body's way of speaking to us and requesting us to do certain things is often ignored. There seems to be a false belief that we are somehow being appropriate by enduring the pain of not reacting.

Requests of the body could be “natural desires” like going to the bathroom, standing up, stretching, changing your seat, blowing your nose, burping, or yawning.

Or they could be far more subtle, like leaning back, relaxing your shoulders, wriggling your toes, or withdrawing from the conversation around you.

Our body knows what it needs, precisely, and it always communicates it.

However, because we are so pressed into societal norms, listening to the authority of the body has actually become a matter of shame, brushing over, and even taboo.

How often do you allow yourself to yawn with a wide mouth during a work meeting? And how would it feel to just release this little fart that has been accumulating with increasing pressure in your gut? See the reaction on your face when you are reading this? ;)

And speaking of gut, how might that be to just tell a friend you don’t want to come on the camping trip today, simply because you don’t feel like going?

What happens most of the time though is that even when we feel the impulses our body is giving us, we don’t act on them and pretend to be “fine”, although deep inside, we are enduring the pain of not moving, not speaking up, of not giving in.

The gift - Body literacy

You see, we are tapping into a paradigm shift here.

In order to take advantage of the amazing support our body is constantly offering, we need to man up a bit and stand behind the messages it is sending us.

We need to go against the convention of enduring pain and choose comfort instead.

Our organism is equipped with an enormous intelligence of life-forwarding character. 

Despite all the difficulties our mind can bring to the table, we are inherently made for survival. Our body will always try its best to keep us healthy and will always call us home.

It does so through multiple channels of experience, using our sensory perception to inform us about any slight misalignment or mismatch.

The invitation our soma (the collection of our physical body, the mind, our emotions, our instinct, our intuition) is sending out is subtle, and it will most likely take a bit of practice to actually receive and read it.

The calling-home signals come through as tinglings, impulses, or “hunches”. 

An attuned person can read and respond to those little nudges long before the ignored sensations turn into pain.

It’s a finetuned skill that can be cultivated by deliberately creating environments of rest and self-awareness and making time in your day to simply pause and listen within.

The reward we gain by following the authority of our body is a return to a homeostatic state of regulation and resourcefulness, and an increased capacity to hold ourselves confidently during the actual challenging times, when we need this physical and emotional strength to grow (See categories 1 and 2 above…)

In short, moving around rather than enduring pain when you are safe to do so is the gentle way of rebelling into well-being.

What kind of pain am I in?

Now, on to the million-dollar question. Should I stay or should I go?

As you can see, pain isn’t just equalling pain, and its context determines the way you should respond (or not respond) to it.

The one thing that helps me and my clients most in making this distinction is, as for so many challenges in life, self-awareness. 

The better you know yourself and the more detailed of an observation you can make about what’s happening with you in context to different life scenarios, the more confidently you will be able to navigate those times of growth and healing.

Here is a quick guide on how to practice self-awareness:

Step 1 

Start off by creating a self-care routine that includes an inner-focusing practice. 

A great example would be a Somatic Yin Yoga class, where you come into gentle stretching positions and then stay for a couple of minutes per pose while you observe your physical and inner responses.

Step 2

While you are coming into position, take a moment to check in with your breathing. 

Is it soft and full, or could you release some tension in your lungs by exhaling through your mouth several times?

This will set the stage for your Nervous System to calm down and become more receptive.

Step 3

Start to slowly circulate your attention.

You can start with the physical body, sending a scan from your toes to your head and back down a few times.

On the way, let your intention be soft and see if you notice any sensations at all. This could feel like a stretch in a body part or even just a pleasant feeling overall.

Whenever you notice any sign of discomfort, take a moment to rest your awareness on it  before you move. Get all the details you can, feel it out, and then, eventually make a change.

Do you need to move? Do you need support?

Note that this might only need a small amount of adjustment, maybe just a different angle. Or it might mean completely coming out of the pose.

Whatever you do, do it slowly and keep watching.

Step 4

After you make your change, retake a moment to repeat Step 2. Take a few deeper breaths, and then repeat the circulation of your attention.

Do as many rounds as you need to become aware of all the signals your body is sending you.

Step 5 

When you feel completely at ease, take a few moments to linger with this sensation of “rightness” and take it all in.

Then, transfer your body into a resting position to let it integrate the learnings.

Take your time, and take it easy

The exercise above will give you a safe field to connect deeper within yourself. 

Over time, once you start getting a clearer sense of how your body responds to those peaceful kind of challenges, you can expand your practice to notice more subtle sensations of your inner world.

Once you have built this kind of body literacy with yourself, you can start taking your practice out into the world. For example, you might start to note your inner response during a tense situation at work or a heated argument with a friend or partner.

Remember to take it easy and to take it slow.

We all learn and grow at our own pace, and our progress isn’t always linear. Nervous System work is a subtle and complex endeavour that requires time and consistency. Every little moment you catch yourself in the midst of life happening around you you are adding a small building block to your inner strength.

It is a slow hike with many ups and downs, but it will get you to the most beautiful mountaintop.

It might be a good idea to share your practice with a trusted friend or get assistance from a sensible Somatic Coach who can guide you through the process and help you hold a safe space for your inner evolution.

If you are interested in working with me, I offer tailored Somatic Coaching programs. In these 1:1 sessions, we can focus on exactly what you need to move on, move through, or get unstuck in your life. Book your free Intro call here.